So Where the Hell Have I Been for A Year and A Half

In February of 2009, the (secret) love of my life, Sean, confessed his undying love for me on Valentines Day. We got back together and planned to stay together while I went abroad. He was worried I would meet someone else, I couldn't imagine not wanting to be with him.

My checklist for this blog was to find someone who I sexually, emotionally and intellectually connected with. Emotionally and Intellectually were obviously there, and though Sean wasn't particularly into spanking, he was willing to give it a go.

Or he was at first. Or, more accurately, he SAID he was. In reality, he would make little disparaging comments about my sexual preferences. Worse than that, while I was away he fell into a deep depression. And I met a gorgeous South African. When I talked to Sean on the phone it was all about how much he hated his life, but he wasn't willing to make any changes. When I talked to Johannes, he was always on another adventure.

I fell in love. I moved to South Africa. I LOVED it. I loved Johannes, but I wasn't ready to move halfway around the world, and he wasn't ready for me to move to Cape Town to be with him permanently.

Now I'm (newly) 28, back in NYC, and back to blogging.

Bridal Shower!

I'm going to a bridal shower today, and even though its not *technically* a lingerie shower, the bride is a very good friend of mine and I bought her lingerie anyway. Far more exciting than anything on her registry!

 A few months back she expressed her boredom with her sex life, and I was trying to encourage her to get a little more kinky. 

So I bought her this- its the retro garter slip from Victoria Secret.  I was SO jealous because I want it. I also sent it to Sean to "get a male stamp of approval."

Or just flirt with him a little. Although, the model looks a bit like my younger sister. I hope he doesn't bring that up.

I also hinted in the email that I had maybe had a little something for his trip. I don't know if he's into lingerie, but I guess we're about to find out.

Out of the Blue Phone Call

I got a phone call at 10 pm last night from Sean. He said that I, "had been on his mind in all the worst ways." He wanted to know if he could come and visit me over the long weekend.

Now, this is a surprise. And let us not forget what falls over this upcoming long weekend. Valentine's Day.

This is beyond unexpected.

It certainly lifted my spirits after that disappointing email from Rob!

The Solution

Well, Sean and I found a way to hook up.

Here's how it went down.  We had a full house- two aunts, two uncles,  six kids, my mother, one grandmother, my sister and my sister's not-boyfriend (he is obviously her boyfriend, but she refuses to call him that). The kids (my sister, Lily, and I count) got control of the basement.

My family decided to have a big make your own pizza and margarita night. We also just put in an above ground hot tub. So I asked Sean if he just wanted to hang out with my family because it sounded like tons of fun. He was a little reluctant (remember, he's not my mother's favorite) but agreed to. My sister actually loves Sean, the two of them, and we ended up playing silly board games with my little cousins and hanging out. Then, we got my 17 year old cousin to agree to drive me, Lily, Sean, and Adam (Lily's not boyfriend) to the local pub. In exchange for driving us and picking us up, we told him we would we would let him drink with us when we got home.  

At the bar, Sean leans over to me and is like "Rose, do you think we'll ever live in the same place?"

I laugh, trying not to think about how much I want to say "yes! tell me where to move and I'll do it!" and reply "No"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I don't want to live in Chicago right now. You do, and you're planning to move to a small town in a year and I doubt we'll end up in the same small town"

"Thats not for sure Rose. That could change"

Sean wants to be a teacher in a small town, he's teaching now, living at home and paying off his student debts.

So we go back to my house. My cousin has built a fire in our fire pit and we're hanging out in the hot tub. Sean has his hands on my legs under water. Around 3 or so we're watching TV on our big comfy couches and everyone is falling asleep. Sean has a blanket over us, and is rubbing my pussy. He leans over and whispers, "I want you to come." He slips his fingers in me and finds how wet I am. I tell him "Not here. we have to go back into the study." 

"Oh Rose, you have no idea what you bring out in me."

 We have a little private room in the basement with a desk and a couch. Once inside the room has my pants off and tells me I need to come before he'll fuck me. I beg him to fuck me anyway, but he refuses. I am kind of drunk and its hard for me to come when I'm that drunk, so I actually fake it, which isn't my favorite thing, but sometimes it's necessary.  

He fucks me on my back, then bends me over the couch, then has me on the floor. Then he has me ride him and says he wants me to come on his cock. I don't have to fake it this time.

"You know what I want?" He asks.

I nod.  I know what he wants, and I'm drunk and turned on.

"What do I want"

"You want my ass." I respond.

"I want to be your first. I want your virgin asshole. I'm going to make you my whore. I'm going to push you down, and make you cry, and take your slutty asshole. I'm going to make your virgin asshole into my slutty hole"

Then he pushes me on the floor, and I'm so turned on that I'm ready to give it to him.  He spreads my ass cheeks and pushes the tip of his cock in.

I think I'm going to die. He is going to split me apart and I'm going to die. So I do the same thing I did the first time I ever had sex- I totally panic and think of everything that could go wrong. I tell him to stop. He says please.  I tell him to stop again. He tells me to relax, but he's stopped. He makes me please him with my mouth to make up for it and swallow his come. 

I tell him that I want him to take my anal virginity, just maybe I'm not ready yet. 

Then he pauses, and turns to me seriously and says, "Rose, I know I'm with a lot of girls now. I know I chase girls all the time. but I only want them right now, while I'm young. I want you till I'm 80"

"Shut up" I playfully hit him

"No I'm serious Rose. We have fun together, we have fun when we're fucking and fun when we're not. I can see us together when we're old, with kids and everything."

I think about this for a minute. I would have probably reacted differently if I hadn't been so drunk. I turned to him after a few minutes and said, "Okay, but if you want to be with me forever you're going to have to learn to like spanking me. Thats non negotiable"

I can't even begin to think about what I think about this yet.

Thanksgiving

So, Sean wants me to come and see him while I'm home for the holidays. He's told me to clear my schedule for the day after Thanksgiving because he's coming to pick me up. He asked me if I had been good since the last time I saw him. I said I hadn't, I'd been a very naughty girl and had been having all sorts of slutty thoughts about him. I could hear him starting to breath more heavily on the other line when I asked him how he was going to punish me.He told me the first thing he was going to do was push me down on my knees and make me give him head.

I had quietly taken my vibrator out as he'd been talking and had been rubbing it over my panties and I'm so hot for him that I actually came just thinking about his cock in my mouth. I'm getting so excited writing this right now I think I might have to go grab my vibrator again when i'm done. I want to fuck him so badly, just thinking about it distracts me at work! He's so wrong though. I know he doesn't want to actually date me, and even if he did he's so far away.  

I seriously think I would let him do anything he asked no matter how dirty. But here's the thing: He is teaching school in the suburbs and moved back in with his parents for a bit. I'm going to be with my parents. Where the hell are we going to do all these dirty slutty nasty things? The back of his car? I kind of want to be like "so lets get a motel room" but I don't want to sound like some hooker. I feel like it should happen more naturally, like "oh here we are at this bar. haha we're getting a little tipsy and his hand is on my leg and now he's kissing me in the corner"  What to do, What to do?

Sean Comes to New York for a Day

Yes, Sean came to New York. He was on his way upstate to see his grandparents. He stopped for a night in the city and stayed with me.

I was his naughty girl. I did what he asked, and I did it enthusiastically. I sucked on him. I talked dirty to him. I rode him. I got on all fours for him. I got on my knees and begged for his cock in my mouth. He pulled my hair, spanked my ass (was slightly more enthusiastic than last time), called me his cumslut. spilled his come on my breasts, then my face, then my ass. He fucked me every which way. I had more orgasms than I've had before (6!!!)

He told me he wanted to take my anal virginity. He put a finger up my ass. I struggled a bit, but he had me pinned down and I submitted to it. I've never been with anyone who wanted anal. I've always been a bit curious about it but it made me so nervous. I liked his finger and I didn't like it. 

He still had me pinned and I whined a bit saying it hurt. He told me it was a good hurt as he stuck his second finger up. I got a little panicked, and he whispered to me to relax. I tried to, but I was so nervous. He pulled his fingers out and told me that I probably shouldn't try anal because I was so tight and nervous. I was sorry, but he stroked my hair and told me not to worry.

"Rose, I didn't come here to fuck you in the ass, I came here to see you." He said it so sincerely, I felt a little guilty that it made me burst out laughing. 

I know I'm the best sex he's ever had. I know I'm one of the best friends he's ever had. He calls me on my birthday and every holiday. He sends me presents in the mail sometimes.

He should admit he loves me.

What I'm thinking about

I'm thinking about my two nights with Sean last week. About a couple things. First off, Sean has more sex than anyone I know. Seriously.  In high school and college he always always always had a new girlfriend. Then came of Senior year of college when he was hooking up with everyone. He was hooking up with my roommate. He was hooking up with my friend from studying abroad. He was trying really hard to hook up with my other roommate. 

Then after college, he's had one serious relationship and dated a million girls. The serious girlfriend was this girl named Margaret.  He told me that one thing he loved about Margaret was that she was always up for having sex and for letting him do whatever he wanted. 

After spending these two nights with him, doing "whatever he wants", he tells me its the hottest, dirtiest sex he's ever had. And the first time he's done a lot of things he's always wanted to do. Was he lying to me about Margaret? Or is he just as shy about his kinks as I am?

If Sean, the most openly sexual person I know, won't even talk with his partners about his real desires, how do people ever end up having kinky sex? I mean, I've read the internet. I know people are having this kind of sex, but how do they find each other?

Sean Spanks Me (AKA the culmination of my fantasy life since the age of 16)

In a word: Disappointing. 

Haha so it was a little much to live up to. I should take it easy on the poor boy!

There we were, Saturday night, my hotel suite in downtown Chicago. I basically told Sean that if he wanted me to blow him, he was going to have to spank me. He reluctantly agreed. 

Maybe I should have given him more instruction. He was like "uhhh I don't know what to do" which was ruining the fantasy for me. I was like "throw me over your damn knee and hit my ass. this is not so hard.... you can do it harder you know... you aren't going to hurt me... give me a lecture about how naughty I am or something."

He did try valiantly. And then we had some hot dirty sex. He dirty talked to me, I masturbated for him, he masturbated on me, he bit me and pinned me down. He's more of the "I'll punish you with my huge cock" type. So at the end he was trying to come and asked me to recount to him everything we'd done.

I told him about the things he'd said to me and the various positions he'd fucked me in.  Then I said, "And you spanked me, and you liked it more than you thought you would."

"Uhhhhhhh" was his only response. A negative "uh" at that.

"You are not the only one trying to get excited here. Can't you at least pretend?" I begged.

I have failed to convert him. If he's so damn dominant, why doesn't he want to spank me???

Business Trip to Chicago

I was in Chicago on Business last weekend. I told Sean I was coming. He told me it was over with Andrea, and that he would love to see me. 

I came in two days early to see my mother. Now, my mother does not like Sean. She still hates him for breaking my heart when I was 18. Even though it is stupid, I sometimes lie to her about hanging out with him. So my conference starts Thursday, and Wednesday night Sean picked me up and drove me to my hotel downtown. 

So we get to the hotel and I invite him upstairs. I tell him we can watch a movie and order room service on my company's tab. We're barely inside the room before I've leaned in and kissed him. Before long I'm straddling him on the bed and we're furiously making out. "Rose you are so much fun." he whispers as he pins me down on the bed. He bites my ears and it kind of hurts, actually it hurts a lot, but I want him to hurt me. His teeth are on my breasts and then my nipples, which hurts so much I want to cry out but I don't want him to stop. I want him to make me his. 

Its kind of pathetic how in love with him I am.

"Can I really do whatever I want?" he whispers as he's kissing down my stomach and starts to unbutton my jeans. "Will you be my submissive little slut?"

I nod, because he can have whatever he wants. He's licking me now and biting my inner thighs.  

"Show me how you touch yourself when you think about me" I slide my fingers down and start to rub myself. He's kneeling in front of me, between my legs watching. I've never done this before and I'm a little self conscious. Its hard to bring myself to orgasm with someone watching. He starts licking up my inner thigh, but I push him away with my leg. He pins my leg down and tells me that I don't tell him what to do. I am so excited that his little dominant command makes me come (well, that and the fact I'm stroking my clit).  

He's laughing and on the bed and tells me he doesn't like to be told what to do as he forces his cock in my mouth.  This is why I'm so in love with him, here we are, trying out some new sex roles that we're both not totally comfortable with, and he's giggling while doing it, but still being forceful. He's pulling my hair, hard, as he thrusts his cock down my throat. Then he comes all over my face. 

He's a gentleman, so he runs and gets me some kleenex to wipe my face off, and we're cuddling in the bed. He tells me that he's never seen a girl masturbate to orgasm and that it was super hot and that he's never had anyone tell him that its okay for him to be dominant. He says the closest he's ever come is that one girl asked if she could whip him. 

"I'm so naturally dominant that I think if she had tried I would have just grabbed the whip away from her, thrown her down on the bed and fucked her." He pauses for a moment. "I've also never called a girl a slut in bed before. I didn't realize how much I would like it." At this point I can feel him getting hard against my back. "Tell me what a slut you are for me." he says in that throaty voice he gets when he wants me. 

He's pushed me onto my stomach and fucks me from behind while pulling my hair and calling me his slut. Then he tries "whore" out. 

After he comes I tell him that what I really like is being spanked. I am blushing as I say this. Yes, I'm naked, in bed with someone I've known for years, who I know wants to be dominant, and I can barely tell him what I want. 

He hesitates. "Thats not something I've ever fantasized about." He says.

"Don't worry. You'll like it" I say back.

"I don't know. I wouldn't know what to do. I've never actually tried out someone else's fantasy."

"Sean. I told you you could do whatever you want and you won't do anything for me? It doesn'twork like that. And you'll like how much it turns me on."

He agrees to try next time. He spends the night in my hotel room, but we're both tired so we fall asleep pretty soon after.  He leaves the next morning as I'm on the way to my conference. I'm in Chicago for 4 more days, but have a bunch of work stuff. We decide to meet up again on Friday night.

More texts from Sean

So Sean has been continually texting me with dirty little messages. But they're also kind of sweet, or, they start out sweet. He starts by texting something like, "I miss you" or "I've been thinking of you." Then within a few exchanged texts they're all like "You won't believe what I've been doing to you in my head at night" or "tell me about how you make yourself come."

I, of course, love playing along. But honestly, I really want him to come and visit.  By the way, he broke up with his girlfriend. I don't want to press it too hard, because I want him to WANT to come see me (oh, and be my boyfriend, but whatever...)

Sean 2- Post Weekend

I got this text this morning from Sean.

"Are you at work?"

I am, but I'm in a meeting so I don't get it for a few hours. 

"Yes" I text back

"Oh" he responds "I was in the shower early and wanted to distract you with naughty pictures"

"Sean! how many times do I have to tell you I do I don't want pictures of you naked. Have some self control"

"I had some until the bar. Then you were just there asking for me to dominate you.  That was torturous!"

"I did NOT ask you to dominate me."

"You just about did. I haven't stopped thinking about it since."

"Yeah? Are you going to come see me in New York?"

"Do you want me to come and dominate you? Or do you want me to come and drive you around all day like your chauffeur?"

"You say you're so dominant, but I think you might be all talk."

"If I come to New York, I'm going to make you my little slut. Is that what you want?"

"I'll be such a little slut for you"

Now at this point I'm sitting at my desk going crazy. So innappropriate for work.

"Are you thinking of what you would do for me if I came to New York? Am I getting you hot at your desk?"

"yes"

"you're naughty."

"Are you going to punish me?"

"Oh yes. what are you wearing?"

"all dressed up for business. Tight sweater. pencil skirt. stockings, heels"

"nice. I like that."

 I didn't respond because I want to be the one in control this time.

My Ex- Sean

This weekend I saw my first boyfriend from when I was 16, Sean. Sean and I dated in high school for about 4 months. We had a rough breakup and didn't speak to each other until we were juniors in college. Since then, we've become friends again.  

We were really young when we dated, and we never had sex. I was still in the phase where I thought I was going to be a virgin until I got married (HA). Sean had lost his virginity a year before, but he didn't ever try to pressure me. 

So we became friend again when we were juniors in college. Two weeks before graduation we hooked up on my couch. Again, we didn't have sex. Then, about two and a half years ago he came to New York to visit me and we ended up banging for the whole weekend. It was hot. Really really hot. Mostly because we  never lost the attraction that brought us together in the first place.

I saw him while I was home for the long weekend.  He's living in Chicago now- near my parents. We decided to spend Saturday together. I met him in the morning and we just hung out driving around. He is dating this girl that I kind of know, but the chemistry between us was pretty obvious. He even started playing this game with me where he would pretend he was  doing all sorts of sexual things to me whenever I was on the phone. Like he would get down on his knees and start kissing up my leg, or pin me down and rub up against me, or pull me onto his lap and bounce me up and down. It was really exciting because I didn't know if he was actually going to do anything, but it was clear we were both into the idea that he might.

Did I mention that Sean is one of the most attractive men I have ever known?  He is charismatic and could have any girl he wanted. Literally, every time we go to a party together every girl in the place drapes herself all over him. He is tall and thin with curly brown hair, he's got great arms and these dark blue eyes that make me want to take all my clothes off.

So around 5 pm he asks if I want to go to a bar. So we find this totally shady dive bar- like no one there has teeth!- and order some budweisers. He starts talking to me, and since we're both obviously thinking about sex the conversation quickly turns to that direction. He tells me that Andrea, the girl he's dating, is totally boring him in bed. He confesses that he's into being really dominant and she'll never let him do anything. He says that he's asked her to do a bunch of things, but she's always really uncomfortable and its just not any fun for him.

Dominant? Really? Where was that side of him when we were dating? Seriously, I've known since I was like 7 years old that I like being spanked and dominated.

So then he turned to me and asks, "Well, what about you Rose? Are you kinky or do you like it just kind of normal?"

I laughed and decided to take a chance. I paused, then blurted out, "Ohhh I'm really submissive. I love being dominated"

He paused and I could see him getting really excited, "Really?" he asked.

"Oh yeah."

 

So he wanted details, but I was feeling shy.  He said that he wouldn't have guessed that I was so submissive. I told him I always have been, but am really shy about telling people because they might think its weird.

Then it was time for us to go meet Andrea for a movie. And we were drunk. And very much wanting to have kinky sex in the back of his car. 

But we were good and went to go catch the movie.